Girls seem to have a lot more emotions than I do. It’s probably because I admire the Stoic outlook on life, and they don’t. I prize stability, so I exercise meta cognitive emotional control, while they are fine with letting emotions ripple through their lives. And nobody can really say one is better than the other, can they?

It’s not like I don’t engage in self-destructive behavior. I mightn’t cry but I sure do a helluva lot more damage with atrocious sleep hygiene, my obstinate refusal to get a haircut, neglecting to brush my teeth, rushing work at the last minute, drinking out of peer pressure, using masturbation as an emotional regulator, the list goes on.

I am…mildly vexed. How should I proceed? Perhaps the grass is greener on the other side but it really does seem that a little sob goes a long way in regulating nervousness, stress and rage. But I really can’t cry, I’ve tried!

I am worried for my mental state. Like the rest of my life, it seems simultaneously precarious and stable. I need sleep, exercise, a good diet. In short I need discipline. That has never been my strong suit, but with some goal setting and competition it should be doable.

On another note, my monke brain really likes hanging out with the girls in my class. K is a lot of fun because we enjoy the same sports. WC is too fast-paced for me, but her intellectual prowess is quite the turn-on. QY is kind and pure but kind of drunk, and J is the one I thought I had a crush on. Early on, she took care of the drunk ones, was the most responsible of the lot, held her alcohol, and seemed to be fairly street wise.

But J seems too incapable of saying no to WC and the rest of us. We give her no time, no privacy, and her work is suffering. And I hate that because my monke brain liked her for a few weeks, I turned into a time-simp. There isn’t anything inherently wrong with wanting to hang out with someone you like. It’s just that this conversation with myself and monke brain is long, long overdue.

Guessing now whether we fit together for the rest of our lives is a useless endeavor-marriages are a ton of work. That’s why the 7 year itch exists. But the conversation I wanted to have was who would I like to crush on? Do they have to share all my values? Where would I draw the line, and declare I would go no further in terms of time, money etc. Is it weird if i just want a fem version of myself because it kind of looks like that would check all the boxes?

How far should I take “being equally yoked”? I actually don’t know if being with a non-sporty person is a bad idea, or whether its wise to wait for a country lover to come along, for that matter.

The crux of the matter then, is this: How much do I listen to monke brain? Normally, I let my emotions set the destination and my rational brain figure out the detailed route. No detours because we felt like it, just a solid plan to get us from A to B, and even if monke brain shouts “C!” later on, we just stick to the plan. We stick with B and we roll with the disadvantages, come what may.

But in love…it’s not so clear cut. J is still broken emotionally, and even if she wasn’t I can’t tell if she would reciprocate. So I’m thinking it’s time to cut my losses and spend our time as a friend, but if this is going to be platonic, I won’t spend as much time trying to impress her. I feel like a damned peacock anyway strutting and fluffing my plumage.

As with everything, Google will tell me what to think and what I like to hear.