Defcon 2 is when the US military gets ready for imminent nuclear war. They get ready to scramble. Defcon 2 also has a codename, Cocked Pistol. That’s what it feels like right now, like I’m in a state of emergency, alarm bells and air raid sirens going off internally. But outwardly it doesnt show.

And I just sitting in the cacophony assailed by the imaginary sound. I don’t hear it, I feel it. And that is why I feel like crying. Because it feels like I’m alone in the noise and chaos in my head that no one else can hear.
Physically, I feel a pressure inside my chest, throat and eyeballs. And i can’t cry no matter how hard i try.

I guess I’ve always tried to keep calm and carry on, but I just wind up just pushing the stress inside. I guess my throat went dry and I breathed harder and faster so it feels like I’m inhaling smoke.