Hello. I haven’t posted in so long, but a friend suggested I write again.

I feel queer, and it’s been a process of deja vu, hindsight and doubt (can you even call doubt a process?). Looking back, I’ve definitely crushed on guys. I dreamt of some sweet tender goth boy and kissed him. I liked that. There’s more than one time I’ve looked at a friend and wished we could spend the rest of our lives together. I don’t want to be constrained by Singapore’s conservative fashion norms for men. I want to try lipstick and makeup. I want to try fishnets. I want to feel free to express my creativity in accessorizing, and not be ribbed or ridiculed for it, but positively supported.

I don’t have labels for what I am. I feel like I don’t know many, or any people who identify themselves that way, so all I’ve got are these hazy descriptions from reddit and stereotypes from TV shows, and big parts of those identities just aren’t me. I’m not a queen, or overtly flamboyant. I just want a bit of swishy dress or mini skirt. I’d like just a splash of colour, a radiance to my face and not cringe at it anymore. Is it a femboy? Not exactly, and I don’t know how I feel about wearing breast forms. Even if I could change my body and give myself feminine hips, breasts and overall physique, I still want to retain most if not all of my current personality. I’m not soft, or short. I don’t want to take hormones or be trans. I don’t want to lose the height I have. I just want to switch up my body once in awhile. Experiment a little.

Even the terms top/bottom, dom/sub are specific and not me. I’d like to be equals, but led a little too. I want to be heard, not over ruled. And I know among friends I can often be lazy but I want to serve and help my partner. Why are there no words for this? This isn’t even being soft, its a conversation about relationship dynamics not force of personality.

I’m really sorry. I know who I want to be, and who I don’t want to be, but I’m not sure how much of it is hurtful, or mistaken. I don’t want to gloss over women’s or anyone’s plights either. I… I’m a mess, and I know it.