This was a terrible week emotionally – I watched as a couple of deadlines whooshed past, hating myself the whole time. I waited till 2-3 pm to eat, then binged a bunch. I stayed up watching Instagram reels and YouTube shorts. I only showered the morning after.

Why? If any of my friends or family did this to themselves, I would be checking in and encouraging them. I wouldn’t blame them, and I definitely wouldn’t hate them. So why don’t I love myself? Why do I want them to live and be happy, but not myself?

I don’t know, but unlike my assignments, if I don’t start loving myself, however imperfect my love for my imperfect self can be, my own deadline will be imminent and final. I have to love Joshua.

I have to be firm with him, sleeping well, eating well, exercising and showering. Not because I don’t want him to die, but so he can live, and be happy, with me. I don’t know where we’re going to go in life, but no matter what, I’ll love Joshua. For no reason at all.

I also don’t know where in the DSM I am, but probably somewhere in v6.