Yes. I get a final pun.
I never planned on dying. I want you to know that. I have been sad and wondered about why I exist, about why we go through each of life’s stages just to die in the end. But I know the pain of losing someone, and it was always too painful to wish on you.
I always planned on seeing everyone again. Your marriages, kids, pains and worries. Even as I was despondent about how everything ended, I was still curious about how everyone’s life would develop.
I love you. Very very much, mom and dad. Nathan and Daniel. Aunty Emely. My friends. Please laugh and tell terrible jokes when you think of me. I always wanted to make you laugh. At least my wit was useful in making you smile. Thank you for taking care of me for so long. I feel your love when you fuss over me and worry that I don’t have enough. I feel your love when you sit and talk with me, when you cook for me, when we find time to watch movies together, go places together. I wish we had longer with each other. Please don’t feel guilty though! I am still content. Please take care of each other. Make each other smile with your compassion and love. Above all material success, is the family we choose to have.
There wasn’t enough time for me to help you see another side of me. I’m queer, trying to figure out if I could be a woman somehow, for some times. Perhaps I’m genderfluid. But in my death, you deserve to know everything.
I leave my possessions of worth in my family’s hands. My desktop and VR headset to Daniel, my laptop if it can be recovered to Nathan. Nothing else is materially expensive enough to mention, or comes to mind as of writing. But I trust my family to decide together on everything else. Do with the room as you will. Only the living must grieve, so take all the time you need. And only the dead can selfishly demand, carry on joyfully with your lives, blessing others, practicing mischief and mirth. There is no need to join me prematurely.
Finally, please don’t hide this note. It’s for everyone who knows me and is known by me. They deserve to know too.